.the unexpected journey.

It's been a bit of a hazy whirlwind of days with the Hoffmans, and I've just barely had a chance to sit down and compose a bit of what's transpired to get us where we currently are.  I guess you could start this adventure back about 30 weeks or so when we found out to our GREAT surprise that we were expecting another addition on the heels of our second.  Of course the reality of having three very young children was a shock and took some getting used to.  As the pregnancy progressed we grew excited with anticipation and decided to go with the surprise theme and keep the gender a mystery.  Surprise pregnancy, surprise baby....why not.  I have unusual labor's in that I don't notice when I'm having dilating contractions.  I was 7 cm with Finn at 38 weeks and 5cm with Meg at 38 weeks without even knowing it.  So of course I tend to be a bit apprehensive and paranoid at the end of all my pregnancies.
Wednesday was my 35 week appointment and as with my past two I had her check me just to know where I stood. I was a 1/2.  I made my appointment for the next week feeling confident that we would make it to term with just a 1/2 dilation.  I remember being very tired all day (not unusual with 2 children and being 8 months along), so my patience was pretty much non excistant. I made lunch for the kids after a lot of weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth.  I cried not only because I was tired but because I was so terribly short with the kids.
Finally naps...the blessed hours I was so needing to recover some patience and energy. I made myself comfortable on the couch and slept.  I remember feeling a fairly strong contraction, but nothing out of the ordinary.  But about 20 minutes later my water broke.  I knew it had, even thought didn't want to believe it, I just knew it.  Suddenly instead of sleeping, I was calling people...Roy, midwife, mom, Roy again, midwife again.  There were not contractions immediately, but I knew it was only a matter of time.  Bags had to be packed, sitters arranged, and everything in between.
We got to the hospital about 6 and labor contractions started about 7.  I decided fairly early on that I was  going with an epidural this time around.  I was at a 3 when she checked at 7:30 and I made sure to ask the nurse that the epidural could get there as quick as I needed.  She assured me that yes it could.  Not to long after that the dr. came in and explained that the anesthesiologist was going down to the OR for an emergency so that I could either get the epidural now or have to wait an hour.  The nurse had just checked me at 4cm so I felt confident that we could hold off an hour as the contractions weren't too bad. Of course an hour became an hour and a half, and the contractions had gone from manageable to painful.   At just about this time I was pretty mad at myself for not taking the epidural when I had the chance, and Roy was trying to talk me off the ledge.  Finally, epidural man shows up and magically my mood shifts to all happiness and good thoughts.  I love that epidural more then I can say.  But staying with the theme of this birth, we were dealt another low.  Babies heart beat kept dropping after the strong contractions, and the dr. Came in to explain in no uncertain terms, that we were probably heading for a c-section unless baby stabilized, or came quickly.  This was my lowest low.  It was the absolute last thing I wanted, and there were many tears shed, and  wordless conversations between Roy and I shared.  The dr. gave the baby a little more time to try and stabilize and I was hopeful as the heart rate seemed to do so.  But then once again, it dropped, and I just knew the dr. Was coming in to wheel us down.  He came in said he wanted to check me just once more. Suddenly he was saying, baby was coming and that I would have to push.  "I can push," I said. 3 minutes later, little 5 lb 6oz, 17 in Eisley Jane was born.

She cried, I cried in shock that we weren't in an OR. She got a 7 on her apgar, and once again I felt the high of having another baby safely here.  Unfortunately, once again we had another low coming.  The dr. Explained that the reason her heart rate had been dropping was because the plecenta had started to detach from the uterus prematurely.  When that happens there is less oxygen and nutrients getting to baby, as well as blood in the uterus.  Consequently, Eisley had swallowed some causing her stomach issues.  She was taken to the NICU, to have her stomach pumped, and watched.  Her stomach became distended with air and other fluid which didn't allow her to get good deep breaths.  It has been 2 days since and she is doing really well.  She has started to eat, and the oxygen is slowly being weaned off.  If she continues to progress, well the dr. Said we will be here any where from 2-5 days.  So now we wait.

Looking back on this experience I marvel, even with all the obstacles, what a miracle it all was.  If I had had this problem at the birth center, i would have had an emergency c-section.  If I didn't have the epidural, the dr wouldn't have been able to manipulate the cervix to birth Eisley, and I wouldn't have been able to relax and focus on getting her here.  And that dr knew what to say to keep things calm, and made it possible to birth Eisley the way I wanted.  Gods hand is in everything, and I know he is aware of me and my family, in every possible way!  So even though Eisley has taken us on an unexpected journey, God is in charge, and that is what matters!

.growing.

a few things are happening...or have happened...First our little Miss M has mastered the stairs so that we could take down our child gates.  It may not seem like much, but it feels so much better to not be locked into a living space anymore.  She's already tumbled down about three stairs since, but I figure that is the best way to learn in a lot of ways.  I'm really excited that we'll have a small break between child gate months for baby #3.
Secondly, i'm growing into the idea that we will probably be in this little place of ours for a little longer.  We had a showing about a week ago (our first).  The couple left a survey letting us know that although they liked the inside of the house, the outside left a lot to be desired.  I cried.  I cried in frustration because that is something that is completely out of my control.  I cried even though I knew it was only one showing and that it just wasn't the right person.  But it still made me sad because I want our home to sell so bad.  My sister gave me some sage advice after I vented to her about being angry and sad about the whole thing.  She told me to find something else you want that you can control and work on that instead.  So I did.
Lastly, me...I'm growing...physically getting as big as one pregnant women can get.  I'm feeling so stretched and heavy with this little human.  I don't weigh any more then my previous pregnancies, but I feel so beyond stretched to my limits with #3 both physically and emotionally.  The only relief I feel is when I'm lying on my back.  It gives my bulging belly a break from holding it all together.  Emotionally, my hormones have picked back up and I have quite a few crying episodes throughout the day.  This is especially more apparent as I feel like I'm giving every ounce of energy I have to keep up with Finn and Meg leaving me with nothing to cope with.  Last night,  Finn was especially ornery and tired.  He was crying and screaming about his shoe (which he had kicked off in his first episode) while we drove home from my parents house.  I just sat in the front seat crying from shear exhaustion.  Roy took care of the situation, but all I could was cry.  Heaven help us get through these next weeks.
In happy news though, my contractions have slowed some, and with the help of some iron, my energy has picked up a bit.  This week I'll be at 35 weeks which means only 2 weeks to full term.  There will be a sigh of relief once we hit that mark knowing that baby can come when he/she wants.

.dinos, busy hands, and 33 weeks.

It snowed this morning, and I cried a little.  Spring in Utah is a roller coaster ride with all it's ups and downs.  Just this past Saturday we spent 2 and half hours outside at the park soaking in all the glorious warmth and sunshine.  We could have stayed there all day except that the babies needed naps.  And then we woke to snow today...can you see why I'm sad?  Oh well, there will be warmer days ahead, and I might as well use some of my indoor time to catch up on what's been happening with the Hoffman's.
As previously noted we have been in potty training mode over here, and as much as I dread saying this out loud in fear that I'll jinx myself, Finn is throughly trained.  We've been accident free for nearly 3 weeks and it feels pretty awesome, especially when I felt many times that it might never happen.

We filled up the potty chart with stickers and went to the dinosaur museum as his reward.  He was SOOOO excited to go until we actually got into the museum, and then it all became overwhelming.  The strange noises, and large looming dino bones seemed to frighten him a bit, and he kept saying, "I want to go home".  It wasn't a complete waste, as he really enjoyed the tinkering exhibit they had and he liked the erosion lab as well.

Needless to say his new motivation for filling up his charts is now a kiddie ice cream cone instead of the museum...that totally works for me too.

Miss M has started to become VERY busy, as well as a little more vocal and dominate in her demeanor.  Finn still rules the nest just because his size, but Meg does not back down from him.  I know it will only be a matter of time before she will be standing up for herself against older brother...watch out Finn...the reckoning is coming.  Besides being more confident in herself, she has discover my many unlocked kitchen cabinets.  She especially loves the Tupperware and towel drawers.  I never bothered locking those doors with Finn either because I thought it was good for them to discover and play with things like that.  I take it all back now that I'm 8 months pregnant and can't seem to keep up with all the bending over and picking up that needs to take place in order for me not to be constantly tripping over bowls and lids.

 don't let that sweet smile or her old man mullet fool you...she's the master of mayhem.

She gets away with a lot though because she is probably the snuggliest and most lovable baby.  She gives kisses and hugs all the time, and her favorite thing of all is to snuggle down on a pillow with her daddy.  I can only imagine what she will do to with the new baby...probably smother him/her in love!

Baby and I are in our 33rd week.  I've been having more and more Braxton hicks contractions (which is normal I suppose).  I worry a little just because I never know which contractions are actually doing the work versus the ones that don't.  At my last appointment I almost had my mid-wife check me, but decided that I didn't want to start anything by checking.  I'll hold off until about week 36 for a check and hope that baby stays put for a little while longer.  I've been trying to get as much Iron into my diet as I was a little anemic and the nesting is hitting hard this past week.  Unfortunately, my energy is just not there to do all that I want to.  Luckily Finn is still taking naps most days (after his terrible antics a couple months ago) so I still get a chance to rest in the afternoon.  Roy has also been a lot of help with picking up the slack with laundry and dishes and wrangling the kids in general.  I will feel less stressed out as soon as we hit full term at 37 weeks and know that baby has not decided to show early, but until then, I will just try to take it as easy as I can with nesting and two crazy kids!

Meg and momma at 33 weeks

We made brownies one day, and Finn, who doesn't like chocolate, licked that spatula and the beaters clean.  Apparently he likes brownies!

Meg, who loves shoes, just had to give daddy's boots a try.

.firsts.

Last night was the first night in a week were I slept.  I'm talking the sleep of the dead.  A sleep without waking up to go to the bathroom 3 or 4 times.  A sleep without waking babies.  A sleep without sore ribs or restless legs.  And best of all...a sleep without a stomach bug or contractions.  It was seriously the best thing!  I didn't stir until Roy was kissing me goodbye to go to work around 7, and the babies slept until 7:30.  That was a precious gift for this pregnant momma, especially after our second round of stomach crap.
I spent most of Wednesday night battling nausea and pain.  If you've never had the pleasure of Braxton hicks contractions mixed with a healthy dose of stomach cramps...you're not missing anything.  I pretty much wished I was dead the whole night.  Thank heavens for Roy being able to stay home and play mr. mom, and my mom providing food and cheer for my poor family.  I stayed in bed with the window opened listening to the rain and watching pride and prejudice.  I haven't been able to do that since Finn was born, so I guess there were a few happy points yesterday.  But most of all I'm just happy to feeling back to normal, and especially for wonderful...WONDERFUL sleep!

.glimmer.

The end of last week was rough.  Finn has been potty training for our second go around, and he seems to go in spurts where he does really well, and then completely resorts back to being lazy and not caring.  We have tried all sorts of positive and negative consequences seemingly getting no where.  I was beginning to feel like it might not happen at all.  On top of the frustrating moments of getting a toddler out of diapers, I'm getting less and less sleep with this pregnancy.  Baby has wedged its heel in under my right ribs, and it takes laying on my back to relieve the pain.  Unfortunately, sleeping on the back causes other pains altogether (I seem to have a lot more contractions on my back).  I suppose that is a perfect storm for my short temper, and annoyance.  I was also trying to get the taxes done this week too, and that just added to the stress of it all.  So I guess looking back, I can see where these emotions where stemming from.  My mom, in her kindness and wisdom, suggested we get ourselves to the Temple.  We arranged to go Saturday night, but the whole day leading up to it was terrible.  Roy and I were equally annoyed with each other, and we were short with the kids.  The tension was palpable the whole day!  We were running late to my parents which made my frustration with Roy even more acute, but being in the Temple was just what we needed.  You really can't hold onto your anger and frustration if you open your heart to the spirit.  Sitting together in the Celestial room with Roy, it was as if the whole day and all of it's emotions had never existed.  It was so wonderful to sit and let go of all the unhappy things we had let take over our day.
That seemed to turn the rest of the weekend around, we found that Finn's toys are a great motivational tool for staying dry.  If he has an accident then we take one of his toys and put it into time out and he can only get it back if he stays dry the rest of the day.  It took 2 days and he has been dry ever since without a fuss or a fight.  Just when I felt like there was no hope for Finn, suddenly things have turned around and become a positive learning experience for us both.
I'm so grateful for those glimmers of hope and light when everything seems to be failing or falling down all around us.  It may be just a moment of peace or reprieve with your best friend after a terrible day, or finding a motivational tool for your potty training toddler, but those moments can lift your heart and make the weight just a little lighter.

.a little bit of everything.

I've been thinking of so many things that I have wanted to post about and just haven't got around to doing anything about it.  Of course now that I'm sitting down to do it, I can't remember anything of interest that I want to put down, but I'll try to put something down so I don't feel like life is being missed.
With just the two kiddos and myself these days, we have managed to get out a bit more.  It has been both wonderful and exhausting all at the same time.  Before we go anywhere, I seriously consider if its worth my time and energy.   Despite that fact, we do in fact get out.  Last week we walked down to the park and played for hours.  I don't know why, but the first few warm days of the year always make me want to get out and soak it up as much as I can.  This year in particular since we didn't get out to enjoy the winter activities as much as I would have liked.  Meg wandered around soaking up the sun, and watched as Finn ran around checking out everything.  He's at a perfect age where he can do pretty much everything on his own, and I don't have to crawl after him, or worry about him falling of the taller toys, and Meg isn't quite to the age where she's too curious yet, so it works out for all of us.

On the days that it's still just a little too cold to get out, we find ways to entertain ourselves at home.

 Finn loves tractors and cooking...sometimes at the same time.  He is such a creative little boy, and mimics what I do in the kitchen a lot.  He loves bread making days, and requests to help make dinner a lot.  Sometimes it's a lot more work, but his excitement is so great, I can't say no...plus it keeps him busy and out of trouble.

 This is the smile I'm going to miss.  This was our last day with Gavin (about 2 weeks ago).

Getting a picture of Meg is becoming more and more elusive these days as she can't sit still for anything.  Her current obsession is any and all remotes.  She is teething like crazy and has five teeth with more on the way.  She already LOVES shoes!  If we put any on her feet she will walk around constantly looking at her feet, and she is often found trying to put on Finn's shoes.

 A few things about this picture:
-Both kids aren't wearing any pants because Roy just changed them.  Does anyone else's husband never put back on their pants after diaper changes?
-Although Meg is not wearing her pants she is wearing a jacket...this girl loves clothes too.
-These kids just love reading books with daddy, and it melts my heart!

It's been a busy past few weeks, with kids, work, and just plain life.  Roy has been doing lots of extra things that have kept him gone, and I have felt burned out all around.  I told Roy I needed to take some time for myself so I went and had my first ever pre-natal message.  It was AWESOME!  I can't justify the expense as often as I would like to, but I needed it for my sanity.   A complete hour of just ME!  I think me and the baby both appreciated that.

As far as baby and me go, we are in a good spot.  I regret not having done a journal of anything leading up to the birth of #3, and wish I would have kept track a little better of all the things that this pregnancy has brought besides all the emotional upheaval.  More and more I have felt how blessed we are to have had three healthy pregnancies and babies, and how important it is to be able to bring these sweet babies into a good home where they are loved and cared for.  Heavenly Father has blessed us, and we have an obligation to care and teach these children.  It still all feels overwhelming at times, but I know we will adjust and grow, just like we have with Finn and Meg.   At first I felt like this was such a burden (and in a lot of ways it can be), but I was looking at it the wrong way.  I've read a lot of things lately and talked to a lot of people that have helped me see the bigger picture a little better.  I've had to change my expectations, and give up a lot of the control to God, but through it I've learned to be at peace with our situation.  We may not sell our house and get into a bigger house before we out grow this place, and we ARE having three babies under 4, but those aren't bad things.  It's all working out for our good if we continue to do all we can the best that we can.

.remembering.

Last night as I was watching the opening ceremonies to the Sochi Olympic games, I was remembering my travels to St. Petersburg, Russia back when I was in college.  It's been so many years since then, but I could still recall many of the amazing things I saw and learned on that, my maiden travel voyage.  Strangely one of which is the metro's warning about closing doors...am I the only who has random foreign language sayings come to mind when they hear a certain sound?
That was my first trip outside of the U.S.
It was my first trip flying solo (although not originally planned that way)
It was my fist time having to get a visa, which we found out we had to have as I was leaving Salt Lake
It was my first time that I walked the streets of New York City looking for the Russian Consulate to get my overnight visa.
It was my first time riding in a New York taxi.
It was my first time traveling 12+ hours (I didn't sleep a wink because I was so nervous about navigating the Russian Airport by myself).
It was my first time experiencing life outside of my bubble ( it was a good bubble mom & dad).
It was scary, fun, exciting, eye opening, wonderful, and gave me the desire to travel!

 At the St. Peter and Paul fortress.  Behind you can take a gander at the ice capped river and the line of nearly naked bodies sunbathing along the fortress wall.  I think this day it was about 35 degrees...just above freezing.

 I was dumb enough to think that I would be warm enough with the coat and scarf that I would wear in Logan winters.  I wasn't.  Even in March, St. Petersburg is COLD COLD COLD.  Tamara (the women I stayed with), lent me her shapka to help keep me warm.  It was AWESOME, and yes very warm!

Near the summer palace with a Pushkin monument.

What an amazing world we live in, and I'm so grateful to have been able to see some of it!